Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
new shirt idea
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.