Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Mountain Goat : )
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.