Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”