Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.