When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”