Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship