Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?