@LetMeStart: Me: I couldn't eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
@mortimermaiden: I'm peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
@rachelle_mandik: there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
@Cpin42: I’m sick of people blaming the Internet when someone gets killed. Watch the History Channel. Hitler didn’t find the Jews on craigslist.
@crunchenhanced: [ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is...
Wife: Get off of me!!
@fro_vo: Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Jury: yes your honor
Judge: how do you find the defendant
Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT