Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!