The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets