Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Don’t forget to tip your server
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I laughed at this way too hard.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something