Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”