I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Bro what is this
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
A friend sent me this.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.