ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.