ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you