I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons