The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it