Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that