Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.