Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it