Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts