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One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
? 💀
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.