Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*