Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
U talkin 2 me?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*exercises sarcastically*
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow