ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Why am I like this?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
What flavor cupcake are these
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]