Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Never ghost your hitman.