Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Cannot stop laughing at this
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day