Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao