Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?