Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger