Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.