Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake