just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
the last thing a carrot sees
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”