Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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Air pods looking like an angry frog
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?