Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
uh oh
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.