ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure