ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.