ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
When you let grandma cat sit
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.