ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
#parenting
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping