Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.