No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
the red hot silly peppers
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
*limbos away from your hug*
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”