The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
british sex workers really pound for pound
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy