Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
New mindset, who dis?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house