They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
where do you see yourself in five years?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call