A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“No way.” -Jose
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends