Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes