Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.