ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Our lord and savoury.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?