Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.