“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Stop sending me this shit.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
fired
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.